So tonight I pushed myself harder than I have in a while at the gym.  It felt great!  I was talking to my friend Lyndsey tonight, (P.S. Girl, I love you, you are literally saving my life) and I was telling her about my frustrations.  I was so proud of my 5% at WW, but then I realized I’m losing an average of 1.8lbs a week.  That means it will take me a year and a half to get to my goal weight!  UGH!  I know I didn’t gain all this weight overnight.  I know I won’t lose it over night too.  I know this is the healthy way to do it so I don’t gain it all back.  I know all these things.  But realizing how very, very long it will really take was kind of a hard blow.

But she said something totally true and profound.  She said she thinks the reason people who lose weight quickly (like on Biggest Loser) often gain the weight back because they don’t have time to let their minds catch up with their bodies.  They still think like a fat person.  And I think that’s totally true for me too.  I remember when I got to my highest pre-pregnancy weight, I was talking to my mom and I said, “The funny thing is that I have always felt this fat.  Even when I weight 80lbs I thought I was this size.”  I am learning now how to see myself as a healthy girl who treats her body with respect.  But that is no easy task and will probably take just as long as reaching my goal weight.  It’s a constant work in progress.

I’m also working on being more proud of my weight loss.  I have been reluctant to say out loud that I have lost 50lbs since Jayden was born.  I’m embarrassed that I had 50lbs to lose and that I have so so so much further to go still.  But I’m learning to be able to say “Yep, I got fat!  But now, instead of hiding in my house and eating comfort food because I’m so depressed about it, but I’m working hard to fix it and I’m proud of how far I’ve come already”.  But like I said, I’m working on it.

On a happier note, here is the latest adorable-ness from Jayden!

First time swinging at the park! (during the Young Adults Group with Agape Life Church)

Me and Jayden after visiting Caley's art show opening